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PARENTING TIPS FOR EARLY ADOLESCENCE CHILDREN.
Your relationship with your child may change, in fact, it almost certainly
must change, however, as she develops the skills required to be a
successful adult. These changes can be rewarding andwelcome. As your middle school child makes mental
and emotional leaps, your conversations will grow
richer. As her interests develop and deepen,
she may begin to teach you, how to slug a
baseball, what is happening with
the city council or county
board or why a new
book is worth reading.
America is home to
people with a great
variety of attitudes,
opinions and values.
Americans have different ideas and priorities, which can affect how we
choose to raise our children.
Across these differences, however, research has shown that being effective parents involves the following qualities:
1. Showing love.
When our children behave badly, we may become
angry or upset with them. We may also feel miserable because we
become angry or upset. But these feelings are different from not loving
our children. Young adolescents need adults who are there for them, people who connect with them, communicate with them, spend time
with them and show a genuine interest in them. This is how they
learn to care for and love others. According to school counselor Carol
Bleifield, “Parents can love their children but not necessarily love what
they do, and children need to trust that this is true."
2. Providing support.
Young adolescents need support as they struggle
with problems that may seem unimportant to their parents and
families. They need praise when they’ve done their best. They need
encouragement to develop interests and personal characteristics.
3. Setting limits.
Young adolescents need parents or other adults who
consistently provide structure and supervision that is firm and
appropriate for age and
development. Limits keep all
children, including young
teens, physically and
emotionally safe. Carole
Kennedy is a former middle
school principal, U.S.
Department of Education’s
Principal in Residence (2000)
and president of the National
Association of Elementary School Principals. She puts it this way,
“They need parents who can say, ‘No, you cannot go to the mall all
day or to movies with that group of kids." Psychologist Diana
Baumrind identifies three types of parents: authoritarian, permissive and authoritative. By studying about findings from more than 20 years
of research, she and her colleagues have found that to be effective
parents, it’s best to avoid extremes. Authoritarian parents who lay
down hard-and-fast rules and expect their children to always do as
they are told or permissive parents who have very few rules or
regulations and give their children too much freedom are most likely
to have the most difficult time as parents. Their children are at risk
for a range of negative behavioral and emotional consequences.
However, authoritative parents, who set limits that are clear and come
with explanations, tend to struggle less with their adolescents. “Do it
because I said so” probably didn’t
work for your son when he was 6
and it’s even less likely to work now
that he’s an adolescent. (For more
information on setting limits, see the
Independence section, page 23.)
4. Being a role model.
Young adolescents need strong role models. Try
to live the behavior and values that
you hope your child will develop. Your actions speak louder than
words. If you set high standards for yourself and treat others with
kindness and respect, your child stands a better chance of following
your example. As adolescents explore possibilities of who they may
become, they look to their parents, peers, well-known personalities
and others to define who they may become.
5. Teaching responsibility.
We are not born knowing how to act respon-
sibly. A sense of responsibility is formed over time. As children grow
up, they need to learn to take more and more responsibility for such
things as:
- Completing chores, such as doing yard work, cleaning their rooms or helping to prepare meals, that contribute to the family’s well being;
- Completing homework assignments without being nagged;
- Taking on community activities;
- Finding ways to be useful to others; and
- Admitting to both the good and bad choices that they make.
6. Providing a range of experiences.
Adolescence is a time for exploring
many areas and doing new things. Your child may try new sports and
new academic pursuits and read new books. He may experiment with
different forms of art, learn about different cultures and careers and
take part in community or religious activities. Within your means,
you can open doors for your child. You can introduce him to new
people and to new worlds. In doing so, you may renew in yourself
long ignored interests and talents, which also can set a good example
for your child. Don’t be discouraged when his interests change.
7. Showing respect.
It is tempting to label all young adolescents as being
difficult and rebellious. But these youngsters vary as much as do
children in any other age group. Your child needs to be treated with
respect, which requires you to recognize and appreciate her differences
and to treat her as an individual. Respect also requires you to show
compassion by trying to see things from your child’s point of view and
to consider her needs and feelings. By treating your young adolescent
with respect, you help her to take pleasure in good behavior.
There are no perfect parents. However, a bad decision or an “off” day (or
week or month) isn’t likely to have any lasting impact on your child. What’s
most important in being an effective parent is what you do over time.
